can’t explain.
Don’t really know how to describe the past few days. A certain someone’s return felt like utter relief. i really did miss someone. rather weird. just seems unlikely of me. but nevermind that, won’t even try to explain nor elaborate on it. As for everything else, i’m just being patient and hoping to God i don’t end up killing another someone. It’s just been pure insanity and i haven’t had my alone time and that’s what is maybe driving me completely insane. so let me just cut to the chase.
I give up attempting to figure out nor even try to explain it. all i can say is,
From the outside looking in, you can’t understand it.
From the inside looking out, you can’t explain it.
as for a certain someone, as i once said, with these insane buggers around me and thank the man up there he did something right. so now you can say that you’re innocent or an angel or a little piece of heaven or anything under the sun and i’d say “yes, dear” instead of the usual stare i give.
*laughs like a 5 year old*
for real.
*cuddles and hugs and kisses*
P.S: certain things in life could drive a person to drastic measures.
size 8 is fat.
fine it seems like a very weird title since size 8 isn’t generally perceived as a big size that justifies a person to fit into the fat category. sounds weird i know but i guess this is going to be one of my biggest confessions.
for those that know me might find it hard to believe as well. i actually have a pretty darn low self esteem. i’m not the biggest fan of me. i’m just good at acting i guess. its my way of concealing any sort of weakness i have. hate the idea of seeming vulnerable in front of anyone and also i hate being an open book since it makes me feel completely inferior.
in a nutshell, i hate the person that looks back at me in the mirror. even if i stare for long i’ll be busy picking out all the flaws on my face or body. how this all started? well, here’s my story.
i’ve always been the big girl in the crowd. note that most of my girl friends are chinese so me being me i’m the taller and bigger in every way. i was never the skinny girl, doubt i ever will be. i always grew up being the fat girl in the crowd. i was grossly overweight before say like picture me being 80kgs. yes, that’s pretty darn huge for me being 5′7″. i grew up being the fat kid that loves her food as well. mind me, i still love my food. but what made me do so was because i figured why bother? i’m fat anyways. then i used to cover up being in boys clothes so i could just cover up everything and hide my flawed body which i hated and even had short spiked hair to top it off. i never found myself being beautiful even now when people do compliment i find it hard to sink it in.
i grew up with my mom always telling me i was fat and needed to lose weight. i never showed how it really got to me and to be honest it hurt me deep. there came even a time when i pretty much puked out everything i ate but it didnt help me feel better. still seemed ugly in the mirror even more worse i felt disgusted by me doing so and kept asking why.
well, all this got me thinking on saturday night when i was out at one utama shopping for stuff for my dad and had my mum with me. i tried telling my mum i had a navel piercing before this and basically that day i wanted to repierce it but didn’t. i saw the perfect stud i wanted so as i was about to pick it up she asked why, i told her i wanted to repierce my navel, she gave me this stare of disgust and just told me in my face that i’m fat. that’s when i said, “so to you a size 8 is fat, interesting.” fine it did sound harsh but she had no clue how much it really hurt my feelings. til now i still see the fat girl in the mirror eventhough i’ve shrunken down in sizes.
i guess i’m still spending time trying to come to terms with the fact that eventhough i’m big i’m still beautiful. i’m coming to terms with the fact that yes, i have an ass and damn it could actually be sexy. haha. i’m not perfect but i guess in some ways there’s more to me that just the mere surface. people find me good looking, i dont but i’m actually sick of being judged by looks.
i miss the times where i wasn’t the ‘pretty girl’ since my friends were actually real and saw me for me. she isn’t pretty but she’s got more to offer. apart of all the men i’ve been with the best were with those who saw the old me and found that beautiful. now? no longer, i’m judged by looks and people just love to say things when you are the way you are. just dress up and next best thing you know you’re busy sleeping around. still don’t make sense but i guess reality bites.
for now, i’ll spend time telling myself that i’m so far the best i can be. there is room for improvement but i’ve got to start liking who i am. eventhough i wished i could be the old me where i’m not subjected to judgement. i miss having real friends.
missing someone.
Within you i lose myself.
Without you i find myself wanting to be lost again.
just missing someone pretty darn badly. nothing much left to say from there.
everytime you go away.
I hate to see you go,
Eventhough i know when you’re coming back.
[yes, self explanatory look. more cigarettes might help?]
I know sometimes you have to leave
But i wish that you could stay
Everytime you go away.
Note: The entire post is self explanatory. Do NOT question me.
*bang wall*
sorry. couldn’t help it due to current situation i’m stuck in.
surprise.
another good night out. well, i’m the kind of person that appreciates the little things no matter how insignificant it might seem to the general crowd.
[too bad. i don't really care. i like!]
anyways, just my average normal day meeting up with friends but the main highlight was at the end of the night when i got scammed by someone that he was not going to come for the night and to be dead honest?
i was totally shocked when he appeared as i didn’t expect it coming at all. to most it might seem totally insignificant or just a plain appearance might mean nothing at all but for me it certainly did.
amazing how just a simple appearance of a person could just make your day because it certainly did make mine since according to my friends i seemed completely depressed or zoned out before someone’s appearance. i don’t really know for i can’t judge myself.
i’ve never had a successful surprise on me for i always find out way before it even happens. don’t ask me how or why. i’m way too detailed for a person to pull this off on me.
for some weird reason someone was convincing me that he could’ve done better but to me it was good enough for no one has succeeded in doing so.
thus my dear, congratulations for the major achievement for the only successful surprise i have ever had in the past 20 years of living. as amusing as it sounds.
okay, i’ll just cut this short. the honest part is that was the highlight for my day since it made me ever so happy. i’m sure you’ll remember the shocked look on my face and you’re definitely getting a surprise soon but i shall not give a clue at all. so once more, thank you for being ever so special.
*cuddles and hugs and kisses*
yes, i seem like i’m full of affections but i’m rather selective. don’t even try to fit into my exclusive list. it’s currently full. thank you.
kiss from a rose.
There used to be a greying tower alone on the sea
You became the light on the dark side of me
Love remained a drug that’s the high and not the pill
But did you know,
That when it snows,
My eyes become large and the light that you shine can’t be seen
Baby, I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the grave
Ooh, the more i get of you, the stranger it feels, yeah
And now that your rose is in bloom
A light hits the gloom on the grave
There is so much a man can tell you
So much he can say
You remain
My power, my pleasure, my pain, baby
To me you’re like a growing addiction that i can’t deny
Won’t you tell me is that healthy, baby?
But did you know,
That when it snows,
My eyes become large and the light that you shine can’t be seen
Baby, I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the grave
Ooh, the more i get of you, the stranger it feels, yeah
And now that your rose is in bloom
A light hits the gloom on the grave
I’ve been kissed by a rose on the grave
I’ve been kissed by a rose
I’ve been kissed by a rose on the grave
… And if i should fall along the way
I’ve been kissed by a rose
… been kissed by a rose on the grave
There is so much a man can tell you
So much he can say
You remain
My power, my pleasure, my pain
To me you’re like a growing addiction that i can’t deny
Won’t you tell me is that healthy, baby?
But did you know,
That when it snows,
My eyes become large and the light that you shine can’t be seen
Baby, I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the grave
Ooh, the more i get of you, the stranger it feels, yeah
And now that your rose is in bloom
A light hits the gloom on the grave
Yes, I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the grave
Ooh, the more i get of you, the stranger it feels, yeah
And now that your rose is in bloom
A light hits the gloom on the grave
Now that your rose is in bloom
A light hits the gloom on the grave.
real friends.
this is specially for my real friends, those i truly care about.
i’m sitting home alone babysitting my dad so figures why i’m spending this much time in front of my laptop. somehow, this got me thinking. an old friend suddenly called me last week out of the blur after hearing what happened. well, thanks for the concern eventhough i found it rather surprising that you called. i don’t mind it at all. i have the tendency of being very forgiving unless you seriously piss me off. so anyways, what really got me thinking was when she said, “at times like these is when you know who your real friends are..”.
well, i definitely know exactly who they are. made one too many mistakes and learnt them the hard way. mind me, i am still learning. i spent the last year realising who my real friends are.
my real friends are the one’s who got my back and are just a call away when i say i’m in trouble and will be there in just mere moments.
they are the one’s who lends me their shoulder to cry on but before i can even start to cry they’ll be there making me laugh already.
they are the one’s who both bought me roses when i was sad and eventhough i got completely sloshed they were the one’s who carried me back home and even had to watch me puke the living daylights out of me.
also my real friend is the one who decides to be my date at the last minute knowing i’d be alone and turns up ever so good looking in a suit and still there to make my day.
another would be the one who puts up with my nonsense and ends up at the beach with me drinking and i’ll make him lay in the sand to watch them stars with me and spilling our guts out and even putting up with me splashing sea water on him like a kid.
also definitely the one who listened out to me knowing i was brawling in tears and trying to cover up and was saying the most silly things to make me laugh and claiming puffy eyes were sexy then allowed me to drench his hankerchief.
there are so many little things that make me love them and i now know who i can count on when i can’t handle it no more. these are the people i’d do anything for. i now am maybe a little more wiser in picking out friends. i know who are the one’s that never left me and turned their back on me when i needed someone the most.
maybe i have changed but for the better i believe so. to some it might’ve been for the worse but i don’t really care since i’ve got friends like these that see me for me and don’t intend to change the person i am but just make me better.
guess eventually you learn who you keep close and some at arms length. i can never hate a person, that’s for sure. but i’ll never open up that easily no more. thanks but no thanks.
as i usually say, “you know i love you!“.
P.S: of course my girls too. can’t think of a specific moment. had one too many of them. including me being smacked across the head with a pencil case. (-.-)”
accept me.
I am I
Do not change me
Condemn me, nor put me down.
Accept me for what I am
No.. you need not agree with me
But accept me.
For I am total in being
I have my faults,
I have my guilts.
But that is who I am.
Perfect I will never be.
Allow me to be uninhibited.
Do not pressure me into feeling
What I don’t feel.
Accept me when I am flying high
As I have accepted you
when you were flying high
Do not put me down
… nor make me feel unhappy about me.
I am I
and I like being what I am..
Me.
can’t recall who wrote this but it has always been my favourite since i was way younger. something i’ve always longed for.
go on, assume.
been missing for awhile due to a seriously hectic week and a series of unexpected events. alot of things going on in my head as usual. nothing out of the ordinary in that sense but eventually did hit a breaking point which my guess, someone should know.
don’t really even know where to start.
well, about a week ago had a glimpse of my worst nightmare. it did freak me out completely but just didn’t want to show it and i guess me doing so just allows people to assume i’m cold or one without emotions whatsoever. just so you know, i do have emotions i just hate showing it due to always being walked all over.
for now, i’m just taking time off and straightening out what i want to do and making certain slight changes where it’s required. don’t really know what to say right now. just in many ways quite relieved i guess. somehow just a blur but i will get me figured. at least i am feeling much better.
as for people i thought knew me, never knew they could end up judging me for the way i may seem cold. its just how i keep myself safe. had enough of crap from people so this is how i deal with it. i’m tired of giving a crap or trying so hard to please anyone. this is me. this is who i am. i have my flaws and imperfections. i can’t help it. i’m trying to be the best i can be but i finally figured i don’t need to prove it to no one but myself. so go on, assume.
P.S: got this song stuck in my head. interesting lyrics. title says it all.
happy 2008!
had the most amazing new year ever that i’ll always remember.
[yes, even if i get amnesia i won't forget.]
no words can describe.
it couldn’t get better than this.
to all, have an awesome year.
