2007 closure.
Just seems so weird that another year just breezed right through. Feels like it wasn’t that long ago that it was 2007. so time for me to sit back and think of what’s happened this year. i’m not going to go into details but i don’t exactly like this year. wasn’t the best that’s for sure. let me just have a brief run through of events this year.
I definitely learnt who my real friends are and they definitely mean the world to me. I realized how real friends never judge but see you for who you are and stick with you through thick and thin. This i refer to my girls that’s been there forever then also the unexpected one’s Dave and Anish as well as leng chai, Taran. There are many more but they know who they are and that too includes my friend of 7.6years.
Had a bad phase this year and swear i dont want to go back there did lose alot at one point which i wont bother elaborating since it might just make me sound plain depressed.
Also more failed relationships to add in to the list. i still have not figured out why i messed it up but i guess in many ways it just didnt seem right. i’m not perfect i am eligible to make huge ass mistakes but the difference is i realize them.
then there was one day that i felt oh-so-good about myself i got myself a navel piercing. too bad it suffered from body rejection and i’m still waiting for another day to feel so good about myself. then i shall quote ummesh on this, “pay someone to jab a hole in me.” in other words get back my piercing since all i’m left with is a darn scar.
i still hate my job and slowly learning to despise the sight of college. what more?
to be honest this year truly sucked so bad for me. from the start til end of november i was just going with it and there was no highlights whatsoever. life just started to seem like a routine and it’s usually the case of draining the life out of me at the end so i don’t even have to bother. sounds pathetic i know.
somehow, it wasn’t all that bad. i eventually had a highlight for 2007. it was meeting a certain someone at the perfect time. well, maybe not so perfect. just as i was putting everything aside and picking up the pieces then someone just comes along. i won’t elaborate on it since i seriously can’t describe it. yes, the walking dictionary is at a loss of words. anyways, eventhough it’s been a short period of time it’s been crazy but yet i’m left incandecently happy. don’t ask me why. i don’t even want to try to figure it out. well, that’s my highlight.
hope the upcoming year in less than 24hours turns out better and significantly different.
resolution? i resolute to not resolute.
why? because it always gets royally screwed.
overload.
i’m just not quite myself today at all. somehow got way too many things running in my head and me being me doesn’t help at all. when i start thinking my brain refuses to shut down. it will not stop and will just carry on finding solutions and then my smoking rate increases also at times alcohol intake increases and the screwy part of it all is i won’t even bloody get high or forget about whatever i’m thinking. even if i’m with friends i’ll be talking as usual and my darn head still works on bloody overload. then the peak of it is when i don’t sleep at all for several nights which occasionally occurs that’s when i’m left with the last resort of some darn sleeping pills. not good at all. the side of me i loathe so much.
for some weird reason after zoning out and taking time off for some time now i eventually started thinking again due to people reminding me of it. i hate it. reminds me of when i was juggling so many things at once and figuring things out before the next day even begins. back then i was pretty much lifeless. rather limited people that knew i still even existed on the surface of the earth. but anyways, i thought everything was going right. the apparently right path and all it all looked so right and perfect but it didn’t feel that way. i end up going home every other day feeling completely drained and so unlike myself. even at times i end up so edgy that i have a tendency of being a silent killer and unexpectedly lashing out to those closest to me and soon after end up feeling ever so guilty i did such a thing and i’m left to wonder why on earth did i do it?
seems completely unlikely of me being the clown i usually am. now i’m left thinking again what am i to do? i took a break mainly because i couldn’t take another day of not being myself. i remember me once upon a time ago being someone that couldn’t care less and parties like mad not thinking of tomorrow. but now, for at least the past two years i’ve ended up being so serious that i doubt any part of me might seem like a teenager and maybe some might notice how it has drained the life out of me. eventually i just ended up feeling numb.
except lately. its like i lost control of everything. well, i pretty much just let it all go. it’s a complete utter mess but for once i feel abit more like myself. laughing and smiling a little more than usual and actually felt happy. it’s been a long time since i last felt that. usually it’s just another fake smile or laugh. just so you know, i have a talent for acting. i fake whatever emotion i want. i’m infamous to laugh when i’m crying. i still tell jokes when i’m brawling in tears or even when i’m completely heartbroken. it’s just a darn amazing talent.
okay. before i drift off any further with my bullshit i shall conclude this and say that i’m just so *bleeping* frustrated and agitated and confused of what i’m going to do as i don’t want to be that edgy person who seems like she’s got something stuck up her rear end. i just need to find a direction of something i can do that won’t put me back to the way i was before instead let me be what i am now. maybe i’m asking for too much but i don’t really know at all.
lyrics
P.S: got this song stuck in my head. do check out the lyrics since it’s pretty darn amazing.
of addictions.
don’t have any specific random thoughts but just had to say something in an attempt to understand myself. well, what happens when you don’t get the addiction for approximately two days? i guess i sort of found out myself today. asides the fact of feeling disoriented today due to unexplained reasons.
don’t quite get it due to the fact i hate the idea of sticking to something like every other day without fail. well, let’s leave smoking out of that. its rather unusual. also in most cases even one day without i’d be jumping for joy celebrating but instead this time around its like something stuck in the back on my mind playing over and over again reminding me something isn’t complete. seems utterly insane. even keeping myself occupied the entire day kept me fine but still was playing in the back of mind.
just seems weird and so unlikely to seem like it’s me at all. will just have to figure it out. addictions.
merry christmas.
well, it’s christmas. usually always the time of year i despise the most since something bad is bound to happen and it always starts from the eve. I hated christmas the most at the point where i had the worst experience ever. to those that don’t know, i was once in an abusive relationship and i hated christmas so much because it was one christmas where i got the worst of being abused and i remember crying the living daylights out of me that christmas. i won’t bother elaborating on that since that memory slipped out of my mind as of tonight.
i was always reluctant to believe that my luck for christmas would ever changed and yes, you can consider me as the grinch of christmas. i was one. hope i don’t end up being one once again. after everything someone proved me wrong. that someone kept telling me it’ll be different and i was reluctant to believe so but this once i’ll admit i was wrong and you were so right.
so far i know my christmas day is going to be a simple one since it’s just lunch and dinner. so nothing much to say about there but as for the eve onwards itself i spent it with my girls that i love the most. rather simple dinner with them then just chilling with their company which is always something i love and treasure. you don’t find a good friendship bond every other day with just about anyone and i love my girls for that and so much more. christmas is special with them since i love them. asides that, it’s somewhat a tradition that every year me and adeline spend it together. well, almost every year. we try. i still remember clearly the moments we were alone together watching fireworks and at times like those i cherish every moment of our friendship. they are my family in many ways.
i’m the kind of person that appreciates the little things. so friendship is something that means alot to me. anyways, from there i finally have a christmas with someone and that someone definitely made it completely special. i consider it special since it was good company and nothing means more than spending it with special people to me and just a simple hug wishing ‘merry christmas’ just does it for me. then to top it off i got a christmas present.
*jumps for joy and screams “yay!” like a child*
i love the present! thanks. this is one christmas that means the world to me.
so i’ll just finish off here and continue smiling while i’m asleep and feel overwhelming joy.
to my girls, thanks for always being there and i love you!
to that someone, thanks for proving me wrong and thanks for being so special.
Merry Christmas to all!
BM karat.
Something funny and random i came across. couldn’t sleep so was browsing through bulletins on friendster then i saw one that my twin, pei ying answered. the hilarious part is its in BM and i haven’t written it since school so i decided to give it a shot and it’s so hilarious i have to post it here as well. reminds me of good old times back in school that i’d love to relive so anyways, here goes. to those that know me back in school time to laugh at it and as for those that didnt know me then here’s a little enlightening of how i was back then. from a lazy ass to a workaholic. don’t know how that works. so here goes.
1. Siapakah nama kamu?
:: jini.
2. Di manakah anda belajar semasa
tingkatan 5?
:: smk seafield.
3. Tahun apakah anda belajar di
tingkatan 5?
:: 2004.
4. Siapakah guru bahasa melayu kamu?
:: seperti pei ying menyatakan bahawa saya dan pear telah cuba melastik cikgu ini serta meletakkan staples di kerusinya yang dikemekkan oleh cikgu tersebut. memang tak ingat nama dia.
5. Siapakah guru bahasa inggeris kamu?
:: rupa dan nama dia tidak dapat saya mengingati oleh kerana tidur di dalam kelas.
6. Siapakah guru pendidikan moral kamu?
:: cikgu yang menghilangkan diri dan juga pn.jothy, guru kelas kami.
7. Siapakah guru matematik kamu?
:: pn. jothy selepas tu memang saya tidak boleh ingat.
8. Siapakah guru matematik tambahan
kamu?
:: seorang cikgu yang asyik menangis bila memasuki kelas kita dan seorang lagi yang amat garang dan ditukar lagi kerana kemalangan jalan raya.
9. Siapakah guru physic kamu?
:: encik gan yang bertapa bodoh kerana hendak mengguna ’superman’ sebagai
contoh dan tidak percaya saya ingin menyelamatkan pokok dengan menjimat kertas dengan tidak mencatatkan nota dan terus tidur dalam kelas. selain itu seorang lagi yang memakai pembesar suara kerana memang tak guna.
10. Siapakah guru kimia kamu?
:: puan looi yang asyik mengacau tidur saya dan selalu mengamuk pasal kerja saya. maaf.
11. Siapakah guru biologi kamu?
:: puan malar yang memberi saya tidur di kelasnya tapi yang lain semua dibangunkan dan ya, dia memang takut katak.
12. Siapakah guru sejarah kamu?
:: puan cheok yang amat pelik sekali kerana selalu ada tisu di tangannya mengelap dahi dan dagunya. selain itu kami pernah menguncikan dia di luar kelas. ini dalam bahasa inggeris dipanggil, ‘teamwork’.
13. Siapakah guru EST kamu
:: puan ung yang saya amat suka walaupun selalu mengingati saya tentang subang telinga yang berlebihan pada zaman itu.
14. Siapakah guru geografi kamu?
:: saya dari kelas sains tulen dan tidak mengambil subjek geografi.
15 . Siapakah guru sains kamu?
:: juga tidak ada untuk sains tulen.
16. Siapakah guru prinsip akaun kamu?
:: juga tidak ada subjek prinsip akaun.
17. Anda pernah dimarah semasa
perhimpunan?
:: ya. dengan tidak sengaja kerana lewat masuk sekolah selepas merokok dan juga kerana membuat bising di tapak perhimpunan.
18. Pernah menyanyi lagu sekolah?
:: tentulah pernah. juga telah bosan dengannya dan menukarkan liriknya.
19. Luaskah sekolah anda?
:: tidak tentu kerana selalu tidur di kelas.
20. Pukul berapakah anda selalu tiba
di sekolah?
:: 6.50 pagi di lorong di luar sekolah ataupun 7.30 pagi terus masuk ke sekolah.
21. Hari manakah yang anda paling suka?
:: hari yang tidak perlu pergi ke sekolah tetapi sekarang saya memang amat rindu zaman sekolah.
22. Tandas sekolah anda bersih kah?
:: tidak. memang busuk tak terhingga. orang yang telah pengsan dan terhidu pun akan terbangun.
23. Pernah dipukul oleh pengetua
sekolah?
:: tidak. saya selalu mencari jalan keluar. ini dipanggil cerdik atau bak kata kawan-kawan saya, ‘kanak kanak ribena!’.
24. Anda suka subjek PJK kah?
:: memang tidak aktif di tingkatan 5 oleh kerana cikgu sentiasa tidak hadir. saya juga tidak hadir.
25. Apakah kelas anda semasa tingkatan
5?
:: 5 Elok.
26. Bersihkah sekolah anda?
:: jikalau banyak orang lewat ke sekolah dan kebanyakan mereka menolong mengutip sampah dan juga bila ada pelawat datang ke sekolah.
27. Tempat manakah yang anda duduk
dalam kelas?
:: di belakang kelas bersebelahan pear dan pei ying. tempat yang amat selesa untuk tidur oleh kerana cikgu tidak nampak.
28. Nombor berapakah yang kelas anda
selalu dapat bagi kebersihan?
:: tidak pernah menjadi juara walaubagaimanapun tidak pernah menjadi yang terkotor.
29. Adakah anda rindu kepada kawan
anda dalam kelas?
:: ya. saya amat rindu zaman sekolah dan juga semua memori yang ditinggalkan pada masa itu. juga saya amat sayang mereka terutamanya pear dan pei ying.
30. Apakah perasaan anda sekarang?
:: saya tidak dapat percaya saya telah menjawab seluruh soalan ini.
*faints*
had a good laugh?
not making sense.
lately i’m left with a loss of words to describe what i feel or what on earth is going on. everything just seems utterly insane but i don’t hate it. not this once. everything is a complete utter mess and yet it’s okay as so long as i don’t even seem to try to figure all this out. would end up cracking my head to even try doing so.
everything isn’t going according to plan but who cares. still seems fine. putting certain things aside to have some breathing space. somehow just need it. don’t ask me about it. i know someone’s reading this. but just don’t ask. i’ve got no answers nor explanation but i’m sick of the same routine and i like the change now. so be it if i’m a stranger.
asides that, the one thing that there’s no possible way to explain is that case of a bad addiction. can’t exactly say its bad because it just feels too damn good. also for some weird reason i just can’t seem to get enough of it when typically i get bored pretty fast and easily so i’m not going to figure it out at all because i just bloody like it and for once i just don’t care about nothing at all.
only thing i can say is the best piece of advice ever given.
first,
enjoy it for as long as it lasts.
second,
say “oh, fcuk it!” and tarik and rogol jerr.
hey, it makes sense and it works… for me at least.
returned (well, sort of.)
haven’t been posting much as i can’t seem to make any sense out of my life. everything turns out being a mess once again when i thought i got it all figured. also i always thought my head had control of everything but not this time. anyways, not going to elaborate on that. as its only for me to know and figure it out. i still prefer being shady. dont fancy being exposed. so i’ll be back once i get me straightened out.
mind me about the mess but just something twisted about it i can’t explain but i like. i’m stuck with a case of a bad addiction but it sure as hell don’t feel bad.
happy wondering.
tagged once more.
i’ve been tagged by my twin once more. i miss her mad. >.<
5 things found in my bag:
- purse.
- sunnies.
- pen.
- thumb drive.
- smokes and lighter.
5 things found in my purse:
- cash.
- coins.
- cards.
- pics.
- receipts.
5 favourite things in my room:
- jello! my laptop.
- bee.
- stereo.
- bed.
- candles.
5 things I’ve always wanted to do:
- bungee jumping.
- sky diving.
- get a tattoo.
- get back my navel piercing and maybe a tongue piercing too.
- can’t help being a romantic for once. spend time with that special someone (whoever it might be) by the beach watching them stars and if i’m lucky something more than that.
5 things I’m currently into:
- my music. trance, house, goth metal.
- them sexy dresses.
- piercings.
- cars.
- and most of all that case of a bad addiction.
5 people I’m gonna tag:
- gracie.
- mel.
- jannah love.
- pear.
-whoever that comes across this that’s ever so free. hehe.
have fun!
