best.
I’ve been updating more often lately. This is most probably due to the fact that this has become my pouring out zone for now that is. Won’t be for any longer. Will get back to my usual cynical self soon.
Well, after a seriously long headache and lots of contemplating somehow I figured that maybe I’m just not up for being in something permanent. I love my freedom way too much and everything that I am as well as everything that surrounds me. I’m tired of trying so hard to make one happy only to realise at the end I’m not even happy to begin with. It’s like what a dear friend told me today, “what’s the point of being in love but not being happy?” That sure made alot of sense to me and it hit my head that maybe I should just be selfish for once in my life. I’m going to think of me and put me first instead of pleasing someone else. Another thing that would influence this post would be when a certain someone asked me, “what’s the best that anyone has ever done for you?” It made me sit back and think that it never occured. Nothing significant ever occured to me before that it just seemed illogical. Well, from the little things basis still the sweetest gift i’ve ever gotten was that scrapbook from dave which i’m guilty of still keeping it now not because i’m not over him it was because it was sweet and he was one man i know that saw me for the person i am. But anyways, back to the question i think i just might have an answer for once.
The best thing ever so far was a certain someone giving a rather surprising phone call at 7am asking me out that very day and stuffing me silly at chili’s. Also the casual beers later and all. Well, don’t need the details here but what made it the best was the call completely caught me by surprise and it was most probably the only time i ever went out with someone and wasn’t prepared to flee anytime during that period. Yes, i have a very high tendency of fleeing off.
Another moment that competes with that was that time at the beach just me and him with the sky full of stars and for once the beach was empty and i was just myself. Nothing else matters. I remember playing around and being a child but that very moment i knew i felt childlike happiness. Something i’d die for. Also the next thing i loved was lying in the sand with him and just having the best conversation ever. For once in my life i was open without putting up a facade or anything. Just plain barenaked. Funny part is I didn’t end up feeling vulnerable but i felt comfortable for once and I remember sleeping off on the way back which explains the comfort i felt.
After the little questions that the people around me ask only then I realise how much i’m missing when i’m so busy drowning myself in everything else. It’s only then i realise how much i do matter.
To my friends, thank you for every little special moment.
you don’t know what you got til it’s gone.
This is definitely something new, me updating the blog more frequently than I usually do. There is a reason behind this. I am bored out of my mind. It seems very unusual of me to admit that i am in fact bored out of my wits. It happens.
Well, haven’t exactly been myself lately. Somehow lost that little spark to get me through the day. It sounds completely weird and unlikely since most perceive me as outgoing, fun and bubbly but for now i just appear as plain depressed. Shoot me please.
Most would already assume I am depressed because from a constant smoker/chimney I’m turning into an alcoholic. Please note that this does not mean I get completely sloshed and end up having one night stands. I just drink abit often that i should and i don’t even get high. The weird thing is it puts me to sleep and spares me from sleeping pills. So i guess it could be somewhat of an alternative. Whether i am depressed or not? Get a shrink to check on me.
But anyways, what has been stuck in my head is the old saying of ‘you don’t know what you got til it’s gone’. I always thought it was just a bunch of bullshit that didn’t mean nothing since i’m just so used to adapting to changes but for this once i choose to differ.
Sometimes we don’t really realise what we do have at hand til we lose it. I somehow never quite felt it because i just found something else to cover the empty gaps. I just keep finding something new to fill up the void there is. Never realised how it would have really felt when you just can’t seem to fill that void. But for this once i actually do.
Its funny how i used to completely hate those late night calls and messages that ruin my sleep and i still recall yelling at the person for it but now that i don’t get it no more i actually wake up in the middle of the night anticipating for the call or the messages. Its weird.
It’s like what a friend told me last night. How something could be a thing you completely hate but through time the mind registers it as being something common and soon enough a day without it you just realise the silly fact of how you can’t live without that annoyance that somehow you end up growing fond of. Funny isn’t it?
All apart of human nature. The weirdest things we can never seem to figure out but if we already got it all figured what reason would there be left to live on this earth?
Me and my neverending questions, most probably the only reason i strive to live.
mistakes.
just another thought going through my mind since i can’t seem to fall asleep due to a splitting headache. i was just thinking about all the mistakes i’ve made in my life. i know i’ve made alot of them or else i wouldn’t be what i am right now.
i know i messed up alot of things in my life but i’m trying my very best to make amends to them. but as much as i try to its apart of human nature to mark a person by their mistakes instead of seeing things from an overall view and analyzing everything from that view. taking a look at things from a bird’s eye view. people just tend to notice the black spot on the white canvas. rather unfair at times. why don’t we ever overlook that? makes you wonder doesn’t it?
the smallest mistake could cause the biggest change. i’m guilty of doing so as well. i just wish i could be that usual self of mine to overlook it and not feel the disappointment that i do. also i’m wishing so hard that someone i know could do the same for me. i’m always stuck in awkward positions.
but why do we always spot the worst instead of seeing the good there might be? i’m still trying so hard to figure that out. finally, i’m left dumbfounded without answers to my numerous questions that ring in my mind but i will try my best to find out why.
all i can say to conclude this is to the people i know.
sorry for neglecting you at times.
sorry for pushing you away due to my fears.
sorry for being a b*tch at times.
sorry for upsetting you.
sorry for the wrong doings.
sorry for the things that i might’ve said.
sorry for not doing what i know i should’ve done but just didn’t.
sorry for denying and not being honest to what i truly felt.
most of all sorry for all that i have or haven’t done.
you know who you are.
fitting the pieces together.
so yet again its been another month since i’ve been ranting about the sights and sounds of my life. this has yet to be most probably the worst month of my life but i can’t necessarily say its the worst either just perhaps one too many startling discoveries. but one thing i’m certain for now is the fact that i’m plain confused. this rarely ever hits me. i usually am able to figure out everything. as someone told me earlier today, “you always have the right answers for everything.” my reply? “for just this once i really can’t figure it out.”
so i’ve been on break the past three weeks. somehow it just feels like a breeze. everything just happened in an instance and it still don’t make sense to me. but the only thing ringing in my mind is what a friend told me, “do whatever that makes you happy.”
i’ve got issues with opening up but for once i was actually in my comfort zone and this is one of those rare few occasions where i spill abit of my whirlwind life thats sometimes just seems insane and i seek for some peace.
after some time i realized that things didn’t make sense as i seek for comfort elsewhere with the company of a friend and the beach and sometimes a little beer does help too. somehow its where i feel most at home with myself where i can just let loose and be that little kid in me thats got no worries and is just plain happy.
there’s just so many thoughts going through my mind and it don’t make sense because its not apart of the plan. the plan was to make sure that never happened. to ensure that no one comes close and is outside that wall i built for as long as i can remember.
i might not even be making sense here but it’ll definitely be a significant difference without the person around. thanks for always being there for me and putting up with all my nonsense but most of all sorry for all the things i did or did not do.
people tend to walk out of my life pretty often but often i do see it coming. this time i really didn’t see it coming. i’m going to retreat back behind that little wall of mine. i need some time alone. perhaps i’m just more at ease dealing with things alone. it drives me insane to end up dependant.
i guess after all that i met my match.
